Conscious Masculinity: How I Reconnected to My Heart.

“You’ve been trying to find me in other women, that is where you’re foolish. You’ll only find me here, within you.”

That’s what the spirit of the Divine Feminine told me back in December of 2020 in a plant medicine ceremony.

At that time, though my life seemed great on paper, I felt a huge sense of emptiness.

I seemingly had it all. I was a successful entrepreneur, had great relationships with my family members, an amazing community of friends with whom I would share the best get-togethers and hot-tub parties in my condo in Midtown Miami. 

Yet I often felt moments of misery as I sat there at the end of the night in my office.

I felt lost. Not sure that my life was going in the right direction nor whose life I was living.

After many relationships and lots of heartbreak, I found myself unable to connect deeply with another woman, and just settling for sex. 

I tried rekindling a romance with my ex-girlfriend during a 2-week getaway in Cancun in September of 2020. 

It didn’t work out.

“You just won’t open your heart.” she said to me.

“What do you mean?? I’m here! I came all this way because of my love for you. How can you say that?” I replied in confusion.

Eventually I saw for myself what she was referring to.

In that ceremony in December 2020, I realized I was disconnected from my own heart.

I was carrying deep emotional pain that, to my surprise, despite all the personal development and introspection I had done, I hadn’t even uncovered.

I met a wounded inner-child within me that I had neglected my whole life.

“I’m sorry I’ve left you alone this whole time.” I told him as I sat next to him. He was sitting curled up with his head on his knees crying in sadness. “You don’t have to cry here alone all by yourself anymore. I’m here now. I’ll cry with you.”

That’s when it all began to change. I was committed to doing right by my promise to that 4-year-old me.

Reconnecting with my heart and healing this pain became my quest.

I quit a lot of what I was up to at that time. It didn’t make sense to many of those with whom I tried sharing why I was dropping almost everything, but I did anyway.

I probably did a poor job at trying to explain it. At points, it felt like I was trying to use new language in trying to do so. I said things like:

“I just… feel that this is the right thing to do now.”

I guess it was indeed a new language for me. As someone who had become quite rigid and logical, “feelings” was not a system employed to guide my big life decisions. 

Trusting something bigger than my own rationality, and bigger than myself, I went forth. The journey ahead seemed obscure, uncertain, and intimidating. There was no GPS, treasure map, or checklist to help me get to where I was going.

I traveled to Costa Rica where I spent the next two months alone in a remote town making bonfires on the beach after sunset almost every day.

At times I was lonely, anxious, confused and doubtful.

After two weeks it started to feel like I was punishing myself.

“What am I doing here alone away from all the people I love?” I would ask.

I continued to be patient, kept trusting in something bigger than me and just sat with all of it. 

One night I softly sang to my heart as I cried myself to sleep.

To this day, I struggle to name or label that which I was trusting. Dare I call it my soul? I don’t know. And I’d rather not define it. I’ve come to appreciate a good dose of mystery.

After one month of being in that remote town in Costa Rica, I started to notice just how much good it was doing me. 

I started learning to appreciate my own company (something I unknowingly escaped from my whole life up until then). But that only came after facing some of my shadows. A lot of what kept me running from aloneness was a dire need for validation from others. Particularly women.

I started to appreciate nature much more deeply. As crazy as it might sound, I started to feel like I was constantly both communing and communicating with the elements. The soil, the sand on the beach, the ocean, the trees, the fire, the darkness of the night, and even the stars. Suddenly I didn’t feel so lonely as I really appreciated their company.

It’s no wonder then, that I also started falling in love with the simple life. The concept of less is more became very real for me. Modern life in the city with all its stuff and distractions had kept me cut-off from what I started to recognize as an essential ingredient to human life: Our connection with Nature. 

Today, I know taking that quest was one of the best decisions of my life.

I didn’t know this at the time, but what took place was my own rite of passage into Masculinity.

A crucial ritual initiation that today has been sadly lost.

Today, I feel joy and a beautiful connection to my heart.

Just when my heart was feeling fuller than ever with love, joy, and gratitude for myself, for this beautiful existence, and for this beautiful world that we live in, I met a woman. 

Had I personally designed the woman of my dreams with all the amazing qualities and characteristics that I could have possibly desired in a romantic partner, she would have fallen short of this angel on Earth whose path crossed with mine.

Her name is Ellanah. She’s my fiance now, and we have a lovely baby boy named Luka. 

After taking two years to dive deeply into my own process, I’m happy to now be back to working with people, particularly men, on a whole other level.

I’ve been running men circles for over a year both online and in-person in Costa Rica, my new home, and offering coaching programs where I have the privilege of supporting other men as they connect with the deep softness and strength of the Heart, embrace the power of the mature masculine, and realign their life with their soul’s purpose.